I know I have been really bad at this blogging thing and have been fired many times (good thing it is not a job), but I really feel like things have been crazy. Loved my holidays with the family. Being with Dave's family was the best. It was great having everyone in town. I must share some things that have opened my eyes lately.
I have always considered myself a pretty nice person. I remembered when I first married Dave that I absolutely worshiped the ground he walked on. As the years went by I started pointing out things that he was not doing for me. It did not help being around a bunch of women who did the same. I started griping and whining about things that I was not getting from him that I thought I should get. Getting more frustrated by not seeing results with "nagging him" if you will, I started becoming an angry wife. The more I tried to change him the more I would get frustrated.
So this Christmas holiday I was having a lovely conversation about husbands with my dear sister-in-law. You know who you are and I hope you don't mind me sharing. She smiled as she listened to me and then she told me that she and her spouse were having the same problem. Then one day she realized that she made everything his fault, that she was not fessing up to her problems. She decided she really needed to look at herself and change herself. After all we are the only person we can change. Thank you very much. I realized that I needed to do the same.
So weeks went by and it seemed so hard. But then last week my sister let me borrow a book, don't laugh, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." My sister said at first it may make me mad but if I think about it, what she says it true.
Surprisingly I was not mad or irritated. So many of the stories I read I could relate to. Instead I found myself crying realizing just how selfish I have become. I realized how angry I made myself over things that I wanted Dave to do for me that I myself was not doing for him.
One of the stories she told I would like to share, cause I feel it is not only to do with marriage but life in general. A grandfather was talking to his grandson. "Grandson," he said, "there are two wolves living in my heart and they are at war with each other. One is vicious and cruel, the other is wise and kind."
"Grandfather," said the alarmed grandson, "which one will win?"
"The one I feed," said the grandfather.
It may sound corny to you but it made me realize how often I allow myself to get angry about things. The more I talk about how stupid a driver who cuts me off, the more angry I get the next time I am out on the road. The more angry I get about anything in life and dwell on it the more angry I am in life. The more I give out of love, the more happy I am. the more I try to find the positive in a person, the less anger, annoyance, or resentment I feel towards that person.
It is much easier to look for what is wrong with the world and the people in it. It is much harder to look inside yourself and see whats wrong with you and figure how you can fix it. I am not saying that you can not get frustrated by things in life. I am just saying don't dwell on it. Look at what you yourself can change and you will be much happier. It has only been a week and I already am.
I have really tried hard to work on things that I can change in mine and Dave's relationship. I must say that even in just this week things have improved on his end as well. I gave and I received and we are both much happier. There are many quotes I loved in the book that I liked, but can't share them all. Ladies I think it is a must read if you are married. If not i is still good insight to the way women tend to treat men and the way they get treated in return. Hope I did not bore you all, but I wanted to share.
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4 comments:
Thanks for sharing! I have been needing to work on this as well. I had heard that was a good book and I checked it out from the library, read some of it but got busy and had to return it back. I need to get it back and finish it. It seemed like a good book.
I also get frustrated with what Koby isn't doing for me, and I totally need to give more myself. I have also learned (but it is really hard for me to do) that I just need to ask and tell him what I need. He then does it. But I feel like he should just "know". But I just need to tell him. It is hard, but I guess we are here to learn. I loved reading your thoughts! Thanks for sharing! It is good to read your blog again.
Thanks Alicia. It can be really hard to get what we want/need from each other. I think that you will find what you are looking for if you read it. I am still reading it, but have learned a lot. It is good to hear from you. Congratulations again.
Great post Annie! I'm going to have to take a look at that book. I've heard the title before. And I agree with what you've taken away from it.
I guess if I could add anything to this concept, it would only be that even though John is a far better husband than I deserve and even in our very worst moments I know there is no one out there better for me, there are still times when we disconnect and when fixing myself won't fix the problem.
In those moments, John says it best, "It's all about the approach." We all have to learn about our spouses and which approaches work well with them individually, but one that I think typically works well is: "When you ______________, I feel ______________."
For example, "When you make fun of me in public, I feel betrayed by the one person who is supposed to always be on my side."
Saying something like that isn't blaming anyone, it's just giving them an opportunity for insight. Some people think teasing is affectionate, others feel wounded by it. It's a disconnect that could be easily fixed by some increased understanding.
Being able to give non-judgmental insight into personal feelings is sometimes a hard thing to do, but I also think it is a really valuable tool.
Sorry for the essay. I obviously spend too much time thinking about this stuff ;)
We love you guys! Give that adorable little boy of yours a squeeze from us!!
Thanks Christine. Dave is always telling me it is about the approach. It is so true.
I agree with the making fun in public. It is something both Dave and I need to work on.
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